


Adventures in Babysitting

by jor77



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 06:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12337404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jor77/pseuds/jor77
Summary: Damian has to babysit for Roy and Jay, what could possibly go wrong?!A lot. A lot could go wrong.So much.





	Adventures in Babysitting

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: homophobic language.

"You sure you're up to this, Damian?" asked Jason, fastening his cufflinks. "This is a big responsibility for an eleven year old. Roy and I could always get someone else."

Damian somehow managed to look down on Jason while sitting on the couch as Jason stood over him. "I have driven the batmobile with two broken legs on multiple occassions, Todd. I'm certain I'll be able to handle minding Lian. If that airheaded boyfriend of yours hasn't had her die on his watch yet I'm sure I'll do just fine." said Damian. "Besides, it's not as if there's anything for me to do at home. Father has still grounded me from patrol and Grayson, who is currently _dead_ to me, took away my PS4." 

Recently Damian got very into an online first person shooter called 'Gunkillblood 8: Maximum Gunkillblooding (Extended Game of the Year Edition)'. Dick had decided Damian needed a break from gaming when he walked in on him screaming "KILL YOURSELF YOU FUCKING FAG" at an opposing team member.

"You're lucky Dick'E'Mart didn't smash your PS4 to bits, I sure as fuck would have." lectured Jason. "If I ever hear you use language like that again I'll kick you square in the taint." 

Roy tip-toed out of Lian's room in a tuxedo which matched Jason's. He slowly, carefully, closed the door, ensuring he made as little noise as possible. "Hold on." began Damian. "Why are you two sub-Neanderthal's wearing formal wear, aren't you going to the cinema?"

"Uh yeah, to see _The Room_." replied Roy. Damian blinked, indifferent and bored with this conversation. Roy turned to Jason, appalled. "He doesn't know The Room."

"He doesn't know The Room." intoned Jason.

"That's sickening, he sickens me."

"Well it sickens _me_ someone of such low intelligence was allowed to procreate." Damian growled.

"What an amazing child, Jay." joked Roy. "Only 11 and already the actual biggest fucking bitch in the entire world."

"I wonder what it'll be like for Lian growing up without a father after he was mercilessly beaten to death by the 'actual biggest fucking bitch in the entire world'." threatened Damian as he cracked his knuckles.

"Alright you two, I think that's enough... _playful_ banter." said Jason. "Before we go, Damian, a few things:"

"Lian will hopefully sleep through the night, so pretty much all you've got to do is not wake her." instructed Roy. 

"Keep the volume on the TV below 20. The baby monitor is on the coffee table." added Jason. "There's stuff in the fridge too if you get hungry."

"Except for the Milky Way." stressed Roy. "That's _mine_ and if you eat I'll... I don't know what I'll do."

"Add that to the exhaustive list of things you don't know, Harper." mocked Damian.

"Oh and one more thing." Jason said. "I don't want you blaring any of that loud hop-hippy rapping music I've been hearing about."

"Yeah, we know you _youths_ are like." jested Roy. "With your Dr. Drake and your Jake Cole."

"And your Kendrick Lemur and your Snoopy Snoopy Dog Dog." continued Jason. 

Damian was actively not amused. Roy playfully elbowed Jason's arm. "Why isn't he laughing? We're being so funny."

"...I don't normally say things like this Todd, but Harper is a bad influence on you and you could genuinely do better." 

"Well on that _bombshell_..." drawled Jason. "We better go babe." Roy and Jason walked towards the door, muttering things to each other that if Damian were able to make out, would probably annoy him. "We'll be home around midnight, Damian."

"Uhuh." mumbled Damian, absently playing with his phone.

"Oh and Damian?" said Jason, halfway out the door.

Damian looked up from his phone. "-tt- _What?_ " he snarled.

"Kill yourself you fucking fag." Jason closed the door behind him.

 

 

Damian was sprawled out on the couch like a cat, munching on Roy's Milky Way in the midst of a heated debate with Tim via text.

__**Tim:** You've got to be fucking shitting me Damian  
**Damian:** I assure you I am not, Ridley Scott is not a good director.  
**Tim:** Um.... FUCKING ALIEN. FUCKING BLADE FUCKING RUNNER. FUCKING GLADIATOR. FUCKING THELMA FUCKING AND FUCKING LOUISE.  
**Damian:** Alien is good but overrated, Blade Runner is a technically beautiful but narratively boring movie that Scott made worse by adding a stupid twist that makes no sense halfway through production, Gladiator is just bad.  
**Damian:** Thelma and Louise is excellent but that has more to do with the screenplay and the performances than it does with him. 

In response to Damian's correct opinions, Tim just sent a barrage of all of the emojis he could find that signify anger. Damian knew he had him, he just needed one more thing to push him over the edge.

_**Damian:** Tony Scott was a better director than Ridley will ever be._

Damian looked at the rolling ellipsis that appeared on his phone with a devilish smirk, imagining Tim furiously typing a lengthy response which he wont read. This beautiful thought was interrupted by a loud **THUMP** on the baby monitor. Damian jolted upright and darted into Lian's room. His eyes grew wide and his stomach sank as he saw the contents of the room.

 

 

"The Room fucking owns." declared Roy, as himself and Jason walked down the hallway towards their apartment.

"That it does, babe." agreed Jason. They reached their door and entered the apartment to find Damian, in the fetal position on the couch. Dick paced up and down the room, biting his fingernails. "Oh it's Dick and Morty. You're Morty by the way, Grayson."

"Roy, Jay." said Dick, solemnly. "...Jesus, I don't even know how to say this." Damian hadn't moved since Jay and Roy entered the room.

"I--" Damian faltered. He tucked his head into his knees, unable to speak. He looked completely drained.

"We looked for her for hours, Roy. All the family is looking for her right now." promised Dick.

Jay and Roy shot each other a look that said _'this might have gone too far'._

"I'm so sorry but... Lian's... gone." said Dick.

"Oh we know." replied Roy.

Damian's head jerked up. "What?!"

"Yeah she's at her mom's tonight." admitted Jay, scratching the back of his neck. "This was supposed to be a little prank on Damian for the whole gaming thing but we kind of didn't think about how he would react..."

The room became excruciatingly silent. Damian slowly stood up, clenching his fists. This was the angriest Jay had ever seen him and Jesus think about _that_. Dick didn't know where to look or what to do.

Roy let out an awkward chuckle. " _Heh_. Sorry?"

"Hey at least Lian's not dead..." reasoned Jay. "...So that's good news."

Damian took another beat to fully process how angry he actually was at that moment before roaring: "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"

'Upon reflection' thought Jay, right as Damian's foot made contact with his jaw, 'this was _not_ a good idea.'

 

 

Jay, Roy _and_ Dick were just about able to restrain and tranquilize Damian after 20 minutes of unrelenting violence. He woke up the next morning to find that his PS4 was back in his room along with a copy of 'Bad Horror Game 4: Walking Through An Old Hallway With A Flashlight And Then Goopy Monsters With Lots Of Limbs Jump Out At You: Extended Game Of The Year Deluxe Ultimate Edition'.

Despite this, it still took weeks for Damian's anger to subside to its normal level of just 'extreme anger'.

**Author's Note:**

> I almost titled this 'A Heated Gaming Moment' so count yourself lucky. Also yes the ending is bad but it is part of my style as an auteur so I am immune from criticism.


End file.
